Aphrodite's Amore Advice for Venusians living in Moscow

1) Do be friendly, but not too friendly. You are not a labrador.

2) If only a one-nighter is required, do pop into Propaganda, or cruise down to Chameleon. Propaganda, because at weekends it's always a fullhouse of definite possibilities. Chameleon, on the other hand, is full of guys pretending to be gay in order to pull women. Drinks there are complimentary depending on attire. In other words, scrub up.

3) If a lengthy relationship is required (2 to 3 weeks), John Bull 1905 Goda and Rosie O'Grady's. John Bull and Rosie's are full of lonely men passing through. Make sure they stop by you. NB Attire is important. So scrub up.

4) If marriage is the aim, then Chesterfield's. Chesterfield's may seem an unlikely place to find marriage materials, but it's a definite goer because half the men are blind drunks, emphasis on blind. They get maudlin, they tell their life stories and as they come to their senses early in the morning back at their plush apartments (you in tow of course). And as he watches you bleary-eyed cooking him breakfast (pouring another drink and passing him a cold mega burger that you took to go from the incredibly reasonably priced bastion eatery Starlite Diner Mayakovskaya, of course), he realizes he has found his dream woman. If most people baulk at this, try the International Women's Club. Yes, these women are married. BUT, they have brothers, brothers-in-law, friends of their husbands' who are all members of the Moscow Country Club and the Rugby Team. Remember! Attire is important. So scrub up.

5) If still unsuccessful, desperate measures are needed. Try charity work. And if this doesn't work, look longingly and be friendly to your taxi-drivers, the men in the market on the fruit stalls and the overpriced Stockmann supermarket near Smolenskaya metro station. And if you still have problems, then, and only then, check out the Americans and the English. But remember, these guys share a common language, it is called 'going dutch'. So develop a taste for cheap beer, stolovaya and the Hare Krishna place. Once it's interesting. Twice a mistake. Three times you should be out of there. So finally, as a general rule, please remember this is Russia, attire is important. If in doubt, scrub up.

A.Nonimous

P.S. Advice for Martians will be revealed in the April Unbound.