Back from the Future

by Al Kohol
(The real identity of the perpetrator whishes to remain mysteriously anonymous)

I had a vision. It came to me at some point between my sixth and seventh shot of vodka I used to chase down the seven teaching hours of the day. Like Nostradamus and Blavatskaya I was afforded a brief glimpse into the future. Nothing so drastic, mind you, as in the case of the aforementioned seers - my vision transported me into the not-so-distant year of 2007. Nonetheless, the weirdness of the encounter was not diminished by the proximity of this date to ours, for I saw myself in it occupying the chair of none other than the head of personnel at BKC on a Friday afternoon.

And not just any chair - this was a really cozy, futuristic-looking, gel-filled vibro-chair, whose gentle massaging efforts were completely spoiled by a single piece of paper I was holding in my hand. Not being able to enjoy the vibrations of my exotic office implement was only partly responsible for the frustration that overpowered me; the whole weekend ahead lay in ruins on account of what was being proclaimed in that sheet of parchment. What caused all this grief and agitation was a summary of the second annual BKC Teachers' Union convention (ever since they unionized two years ago we have had nothing but trouble with them). Among some other useless gibberish the article promulgated thus:

…The following problem areas have been identified and solutions for improvement proposed for the management's consideration:

1. You must surely be aware of the unfortunate incident that happened last month in which one of our members suffered a locked jaw after trying repeatedly to articulate our company's name BKC-IH [biykeysiyih] over a bad telephone connection. In the interest of preventing similar accidents in the future we propose to change the name of the school to BKC-HI.
2. The washroom traffic congestion at Borovitskaya School is nothing new - three washrooms just aren't enough to accommodate the 485 teachers and staff that the school currently employs plus the contingent of some 1500 students. We do sympathize with the space restrictions that a downtown location imposes, but protection of our teachers' internal organs is our highest priority. Therefore, until a more permanent solution can be worked out, we propose to start distributing complimentary "Pampers" diapers in various adult sizes (a.k.a. "Pull-Ups" a.k.a. "Depends") among the Boro -Teachers, which would help alleviate some of the pressure off of our members' bladders and/or considerably reduce their laundry/dry cleaning bills.
3. Chronic lack of toilet tissue (esp. at our satellite schools) is an issue closely related to the one in #2.
   We feel that installing automatic toilet paper dispensers at these branches would solve the problem once and for all.
   To curtail paper waist and unauthorized use a personal code access technology, similar to the one used in some of our photocopiers could be implemented.
   Fringe benefits of such a system can be far-reaching - from affording a greater control over shaping our teachers' behavior (e.g. limiting access to this valuable resource as a punishment for undesirable performance) to promoting better learning (e.g. rewarding exceptional students with some complimentary linear footage). Just think of the possibilities.
4. Many newly arrived teachers are puzzled by the look of the latest in Moscow shoe fashion failing to grasp the practicality of those bulky 12" platforms. But we in the old guard know all too well that those elevating devices came as an answer to the Moscow road conditions (i.e. potholes connected by patches of dirt) coupled with the local weather (i.e. rainy days followed by rainy weeks).
   Could our maintenance department rise up to the challenge of designing a strap-on platform or snap-on stilts of some kind that could be provided to our members for the duration of the contract? It would greatly improve the quality of commuting. We have even come up with a catchy name for this future contraption - J-shoe (a short for Jesus-Shoe i.e. for walking on water).
5. Although most teachers feel flattered when elevated to the position superior to God by the management supplying them with seven or more classes, their modesty and sense of fairness cannot allow them to enjoy this noble status. We therefore would like to request that the maximum number of classes per teacher be capped at six, for even the Almighty, as is well known from ancient literature, rested in his seventh class.
6. Most of us know the frustrations of impotence a teacher may experience from time to time in a teenage class. The lack of effective tools to tame them rowdy teens has prompted some teachers to put forth a suggestion to bring back the time-tested and highly effective practice of corporal punishment. Although this may mean some additional work for the company's lawyers, whose task it would be to design a waiver form for the parents to sign, they (the teachers) insist that the investment would be well worth it.
7. On a sweet note - chocolate, as has been known for years, has an unusual effect on some of our female membership; apparently, it makes them feel …well… horny. Now, at first glance this may seem to be an issue remote from education. But our male membership maintains that with enough imagination and resourcefulness it sure can be incorporated into the curriculum, for instance when studying the difference between MAKE and DO (e.g. Chocolate makes her horny… This can do me a lot of good.)
   They further insist that chocolate be provided to all our women free of charge in unlimited quantities esp. with another mating season fast approaching.
8. To assist those who find it difficult to cope with ever increasing levels of stress our profession imposes upon us, an excellent suggestion was offered to make some "happy-go-lucky" drugs like Prozac etc. available to all those who need help in maintaining the healthy level of apathy and emotional dullness (so crucial in our trade).
   You are surely aware about the sad case of a distressed teacher who embarked on a barbaric shooting spree, using a make-shift blow pipe (a converted drink straw from McDonalds) as his weapon and moist paper napkin balls as ammunition, blowing his fluffy bullets randomly at everyone he came across in the manner of Amazon Indians, until finally subdued by a cleaning lady.
   The minute cost of this program should be negligible compared to potential expense of life long psychological counseling of students and staff affected by similar incidents.
   And given the number of teachers the company now employs we are confident that a very favorable wholesale discount can be negotiated with the drug manufacturer.
9. To expend our already prominent In-Company Department a proposal for establishing an Executive In-Jacuzzi Department has been submitted to us and is now forwarded for your review. Please find the attached 12-page list of names of the teachers who volunteered their candidacy for this position should it become available.
10. Last but not least - a word of congratulations for setting the new Guinness World Record for the longest running photocopier in business. After 15 years of heavy exploitation and millions of copies the copier at our downtown branch is still churning out pages with noticeable traces of toner. Right on!

Right on, my ass! - my rage was choking me… Will they ever stop complaining? - I thought, fuming, - will it ever be enough for them?

Instead of going to the dacha I was now doomed to a gloomy prospect of calling up an urgent board meeting to discuss how to deal with this nonsense. The sound of the phone ringing interrupted my silent ravings. I jerked my hand absent-mindedly toward the sound and a sudden jolt of pain dimmed the lights out of my eyes as my elbow connected violently with the edge of the table…

When I came to and looked around, a sharp sense of panic seized me at first - the lights had not regained their former brightness and the thoughts of some permanent brain damage arrested my faculties. By and by I slowly realized that the dimness was in fact caused by scarcity of lighting within the place I found myself in - it looked like a bar. Yes, a bar - I was beginning to remember - the bar, and the vodkas, and the rest of it. And the vision that had seemed so vivid a minute ago was receding at the speed of light into the murky realms of ether. Soon the only tangible reminder of the encounter was the uncomfortable sensation of my t-shirt glued tightly to my back in cold sweat.