Aphrodite's Amore Advice for Martians living in Moscow

1) To be successful with women in Moscow, present yourself as a clean upstanding member of society. Pretend you are interested in what the woman has to say and remember you MUST pay.

2) It you are looking for a fling - Hungry Duck/Chesterfield's definitely. There is no chance of leaving here without a prize. It could be 1st prize, booby prize, who cares? But remember, You pay sooner or later.

3) If you are looking for a sublime romance, try St. Andrew's (the Anglican Church near Globus). After services pop her into the sushi bar down the road and remember, you PAY.

4) If you are looking for permanency and fidelity, try St. Catherine's Orthodox Church near metro Dobrininskaya. It's teeming with genteel, virtuous maidens. If it's just a visit to Zak's that you want and a party with your mates and a video to send home, try passport control at Sheremetyevo 2, or the newly renovated Domodedovo, or any of the departure lounges.

5) If it's culture and passion with a P you require, check out the British Council Library. Here you will find eloquence personified. Also try Shakespeare & Co. for quiet moments of discourse management. But remember YOU must pay.

6) If you're over 30, and have never been married, divorced or co-habited - LIE! For goodness sake, try to look worldly. And remember you PAY.

7) If you would like dispensing with culture and pretence try nude yoga classes. Addresses can be found on the Internet. But remember you must pay.

8) So the rule is, first try to find a girl with her own place. If this proves difficult, try looking at your students with their own place. And this proves hopeless; start looking at your colleagues. But remember you must PAY.

A.Nonimous

P.S. Ask Mr Bondarev for another pay rise - for entertainment expenses!